OFFICIAL COMPUTER DICTIONARY

COMPUTER TERMS

  • BILL GATES: Trying to get Gates to pay for all your software.

  • CACHE: What you'd better have plenty of to cover your equipment upgrades.

  • CURSOR: You screaming at your computer when it freezes up.

  • DESKTOP: Place to place your head at work to catch up on some zzzz's

  • HARD DRIVE:  Lots of congestion and constructions on the road into work.

  • HYPERLINKS: Lots of activity on the golf course.

  • JAVA: Much needed beverage to keep you awake all day.

  • MEGAHERTZ: Your head after a typical workday.

  • MODEM: What you do to lawns to keep them looking good.

  • PRODIGY:  What you pray your kids will be to help you with your computer.

  • RAM: What you would to do to your monitor after tech support keeps you on the line for hours.

  • SOFTWARE:  Your butt after all the time you spend sitting in front of screen.

  • VIRUS: what you pretend to have when you call in sick to play golf.

NEW VIRUS DEFINITIONS

  • ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, then self-destructs --only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

  • OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

  • SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

  • JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

  • STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

  • HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for 4,500 bucks.

  • JOHN BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

  • OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

  • PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:\

  • POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

  • ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

  • BILL CLINTON VIRUS: It has been known to lie and cheat on its mother board. 

  • ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

  • DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!

  • GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

  • FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

  • TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

  • AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

  • MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

  • FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

  • PBS VIRUS: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

  • ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.

  • O.J. VIRUS: It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

 

YOU KNOW YOUR ADDICTED TO CHATTING:

  • if you try to change your ping reply and quit message daily.
  • if you have over 20 megs of .wav files in your CHAT directory.
  • if you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's.
  • if your child ignores your request and you wonder if she is lagged.
  • if you send internet Christmas cards. 
  • if you've been so anxious to get on CHAT you forgot to turn your speakers on and can't figure out why you can't hear the wavs being played!
  • if you join busy channels just to talk to yourself because the scrolling makes you feel better about it somehow.
  • if "your pregnant wife goes into labor and you stop to type a "special" away message.
  • if you have a vanity car tag with your nick on it.
  • if you've been lagged so bad that you've switched servers so much you can see your nicks on the channel list 3 times.
  • if you would rather be at your ONLINE birthday party than out with real people!
  • if someone at work tells you a joke, and you say "LOL!"
  • if you watch T.V. with closed captioning turned on.
  • if your friend Susan tells you something sad on the phone and you say "Awwww, /me hugs Susan.
  • if you keep begging your friends to get an internet account so "we can hang out.
  • if "three words: carpal tunnel syndrome.
  • if you are laughing at these jokes.
  • if you once devoted a weekend to "working on your popups."
  • if when you join #CHAT everyone types "Norm!"
  • if you wait for your roommates to say "re."



Bang on the left side of your computer to restart.

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